Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Handbags of Horror!

If you find scary movies unnerving, brace yourself for the new designer purses they've (obviously) inspired

As various blogs have documented, high fashion has been working its malnourished butt off lately to make handbags as ugly as possible. While we're concerned about these purses' self-esteem—how would you feel if your face were obscured with gratuitous zippers, vomitous fringe, leprous appliqués, and macabre pom-poms?—the real question is: What's behind this trend?

At first we were puzzled. Then, while screening the latest Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we casually noted Leatherface's resemblance to a certain Fendi satchel and a light went off: Have designers, desperate for shock value, been turning to horror movie villains for inspiration? Further investigation bears out this troubling theory.

EXHIBIT A
GARISH CREEPINESS
The tagline for 1988's Child's Play—"You'll wish
it was only make-believe!"—also applies to this upsetting $575 bag by Isabella Fiore, which appears to be yet another incarnation of foul psychopath Charles Lee Ray, aka Chucky the "Good Guy doll." Note the gaudy colors. The diagonal zipperish scars. The carroty tufts and deceptive "playful" quality. Do not leave this purse alone with your son! Unless you're tired of raising him and would find his death convenient.

EXHIBIT B
UNRAVELLED APPEAL
This moldy, desiccated handbag ($1280) by
Brooklyn design duo Be&D (Britney's a fan!) shares many spooky attributes with Boris Karloff's 1932 creation, the Mummy. However, while both bag and mummy have had most of their internal organs removed and should immediately be sealed in a remote tomb, only the Be&D features a sensual suede lining and a magnetic snap closure.

EXHIBIT C
TERMINATORISHNESS
Though this grotesque Betsey Johnson Small
Cargo Hobo is not quite clever enough to serve as the governor of California, it could easily time-travel back to 1984 and terrify the young, still-flabby Linda Hamilton. (Consider its zippered "mouths," so eager to chomp off wrists.) It comes with six separate pockets, a "cell phone slot," night vision, and the ability to announce its imminent return in threatening tones. In development: Small Cargo Hobo II—Judgment Clutch.

EXHIBIT D
REANIMATED VILENESS
Here Miu Miu pays homage to Tarman, the star zombie in 1985's Return of the Living Dead.
company first created this quilted nappa leather bag ($1095) in 1987, then brutally poisoned it, allowing it to decay for decades before reviving it with 2-4-5 Trioxin gas, a proprietary process which accounts for the bag's unique stench and distinctive texture, as well as its compulsion to eat brains."

EXHIBIT E
TREACHEROUS CHARM
Like its inspiration, Gizmo from 1984's Gremlins, this rabbit-fur-trimmed bag ($495) is ingratiatingly huggable and speaks in the light-comic tones of Howie Mandel. What
designer Andrew Marc fails to mention, however, is that the second you get this handbag wet, it metamorphoses into an obnoxious, anarchic monster that has no intention of dutifully holding your change purse or your Kotex while you sip a Mojito, and must eventually be pureed to death in a blender by your mom.

EXHIBIT F
SASSY, MENACING DREADLOCKS
The original version of this $340 Charm and Luck purse—a riff on the Yautja from 1987's
Predator—was so hideous that a team of U.S. Army Special Forces soldiers was dispatched to the designers' Long Beach, California–based offices to track it down and kill it. For this softer, government-approved model, the original's ropey dreadlocks have been downgraded to fringe, and its fangs replaced by crap-encrusted buckles. Luckily, like the Yautja, this bag can still render itself invisible.

EXHIBIT G
SCUMMY TEXTURE
Our final comparison is perhaps unfair. The ancient amphibian-freak from 1954's Creature From the Black Lagoon boasts "centuries of passion pent up in his savage heart." Though equally repellent to the touch, this Isabelle Fiore bag ($650) has little to recommend it beyond a "zip-top" and two unsavory pom-poms. Furthermore, the Creature only lashes out in self-defense while the Charm Hobo spent months in a dark basement plotting—actually, the less said about the Charm Hobo the better. We don't want to encourage any more copycat school shootings.

Source: radaronline.com

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